Whimsical Fantastick

Hey, check this shit out.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:34:46 GMT

I totally forgot I had this shotgun blast posting thing through facebook. Maybe then my friends that read livejournal will know how my life is going.

Too bad I really don't have anything to say. Doctor Who is amazing, that's all I've been doing today, aside from some rockin' job applications. It's fun to see a British show; really a different style of presentation than American shows. I think they appreciate SciFi there a lot more than we do here.

Der. That's it! Last week of Ben Franklin, and frankly (haha!) I'm going to miss it, but I've been cast in their show after next, Wildcat, of which I'm happy to do! Yay, whoohoo!

Still looking for a show to fill up the meantime; it'll probably be Tony n' Tina's Wedding, but I'm hoping to have something else turn up. Please, anyone?

The Happening (not by M. Night Shymalan

Fri, 23 May 2008 16:48:33 GMT

(Before starting this post, meebo signed me off, stupid meebo.)

It's finally happened. We all knew it would, but I never thought it would be this quick. Bonny left about 2 weeks ago, and I've been working alone (now with a temp) for a little bit now. Leah's on vacation until Thursday, and here I am. I would be fine without a temp; I would just take no lunch or put it on night phones. Whatever, I don't care. But since we have this (getting better) dumb temp, I've been roped in to being responsible for this place, yes, this very same soul sucking place that I've talked about many a time.

Why do I feel this way? Why do I worry about how this office would be? Calling in sick is not an option any more, that's the problem. When I lose the ability, nay, the thought of calling in sick in my own mind, I know something's snapped and I need to get out of here. This is how it happened:

I woke up this morning, surprisingly tired, definitely in need of rest; this play has been catching up more and more to my limit of tiredness. It was an issue I brought up when originally hired here: sometimes I would just need time off to rest as well as time for shows. It's approaching that time (probably next Friday, I'd imagine). Anyway, my headache/migraine from last night was still there, subdued by sleep and healing. The usual thought that goes through my head on any day is "wonder if I'm going to work today" but on days where I even have a slight pain, I call in sick. Today, none of those thoughts ran through my head. My first thought was, Time to get there, to deal with this idiot. What happened to me? What happened to my freedom of mind?

Obviously, I've been here too long, and need to be gone. However, some strange force is prohibiting me from quitting as well; I'm the only admin here, and I actually respect Leah as a person, so no just up and quitting. That is, unless I get a job at a theatre or in a film or at a film or ANYWHERE ELSE THAT MAY PAY BETTER. Then again, it would be hard leaving her in the lurch, but it's what we have to do in life. But still, there's this stupid nagging feeling. All the more reason to Get The Fuck Out Of Here.

Also, I'm going to lunch with granpa today, that's fun.

Also, cast list for Seussical is up; obviously I can't do it, but Monica got Sour Kangaroo! Excellent excellent excellent role for her! And a bunch more of my friends are involved with the show, including Kacie as Gertrude and Kelly as Mrs. Mayor! Wonderful! I'm so happy for them, and sad I can't be involved with the show.

Working on my powers of invisibility.

Wed, 21 May 2008 15:50:57 GMT

When early to work in the morning, I usually keep the door locked until 8, just so I don't have to worry about any vagabonds coming in. Also, so I know when to look like I'm busy when people enter. It also gives me time to go, get oatmeal ready, get some coffee, you know, the usual stuff that happens in the morning. It also gives me time to distract myself from the fact that I'll probably be sitting down for 9 hours today. Oh great, now I just reminded myself of that... cue horrible depression...

Anyway, this morning, Roy, quite possibly the oldest Old Man here, comes walking to the door. He's a nice Old Man, very loud on the phone, very quiet sometimes, but does make some very funny statements. He also is the loudest sneezer and nose blower I've ever heard. It's quite amazing. Today, he came in while I was sitting on my computer, but had forgot to unlock the door; it was 8:05 EXACTLY.

Standing outside, Roy was fumbling for his keys in his bag, as I walked around my desk and to the door. He found his keys, and were putting them into the lock as I unlocked the door and walked back to my desk. Roy continued the unlocking process, walked in the door, and attempted to unlock the lock. When looking at the door, he noticed it was fully unlock, wherein he went outside and checked to see if the door was open. It was.

I had no idea my invisibility was on this morning, but I'm certainly glad it's improving.

Post

Mon, 19 May 2008 15:55:32 GMT

Brains are funny things. Lying this morning, snuggled all neatly, my mind completely kept me away from the notion that I had to go to work today. For about a half an hour, I had a completely peaceful half sleep where I didn't even worry about the day or having to get up or the summer class thing or grad school or plays or being stressed out in a play I don't want to be in anymore, just to worry about wrapping my arms around my lovely girl. It was a really beautiful way to start today. When reality set in, I wasn't mad or frustrated or even cranky, I realized that my mind had given me a present; a wonderful half hour treasure of no worries or cares.

Needless to say, I'm a little more chipper today than I normally would be, and it's apparent to people walking in. Maybe my "hello"s are too bright, or my face doesn't have the usual scowl that appears at 8 in the morning, but it's making other have either very awkward reactions or a brighter start to their day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be like this every day, but it's a little different and fun. Thank you brain.

So! Bought the Orange Box for PC yesterday and downloaded it all night last night and was able to jump in a quick match of Team Fortress 2 this morning, promptly getting my ass handed to me by the master players. There really isn't a tutorial thing, is there? I had no idea what was going on, how to use the controls, or what to do. It was pretty awesome, but I would like more tutorial stages please. I look forward to beating portal again, and starting on some Half Life 2. Excellent times, these games. And a FANTASTIC deal on the price. They did some marketing right there.

Officially turned down the moscow art summer academy. I was excited for it, but I think I wanted my summer to myself, and I don't know if I need more stanislavski right now, since, you know, I studied it for four years and at the end wanted to destroy the method forever. Time has passed since then, which is why I didn't outright refuse it... I just want more time to play. I'm actually having a good time, believe it or not.

Huh, just saw an article about someone in TBA. Someone who fills me with rage. THAT put me in my old mood. Hooooray! Now Ben, not everyone can be cockteases, you just didn't get lucky in the gene pool; the only ones that really matter are the blondes with big boobies. You're right, inner self, you're right.

Wow, that's a sour note to end on. Um. Okay, I got something that'll make you feel better: cherry pies.

Slightly Bemused Look

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:43:43 GMT

Ah, and my entry blipped into oblivion... lets try again...

The workers are here again. I can't even fathom what they're doing. This isn't the kind of "can't fathom" that comes with hyper intensity atom colliders, this is the "can't fathom" that comes with "are they actually doing anything up there?" So far, I've been sitting under them as they scrape on a pipe, both making a lot of noise and not doing... anything as far as I can tell. Is it really that workers don't do anything but end up spending hour upon hour of working on pipes? This is wrong, really; after all, the front office got done... wait, they're still WORKING on the front office, when they said it would have been done the first week of March. Charming, isn't it? I'm ready to get out of here.

I think I mentioned before that I played some Lord of the Rings Online on Wednesday. Starting a new character after about a year of not playing was not only fun, but really interesting, coming almost completely fresh from not playing ANY MMOs for the past year-ish. It's a great game, and I can't wait to get back to it sometime this weekend.

Ya see, that's the problem with being in a show, all the little gaming time I HAD is now flushed down the toilet, and LOTRO isn't a game that you can just pick up and play for a few minutes. Well, wait, kinda it is, but I can't really, since I'm not living with my computer at the moment. Anyway. I miss it, a lot, I miss the friends I make online (who are real friends, despite what people may think) and I even miss the weird headaches you get after spending HOURS UPON HOURS playing video games and then have to go out and do something later in the day (ie a show). As I recall, I used to stop those headaches and the logeyness that came from them by taking a walk before my gaming extravaganza, but yesterday I think I made some stupid lame excuse about not finding the sunscreen so of course I can't go out - NOT EVEN FOR A MINUTE! - and walk; too risky.

These workers also are speaking Spanish. I know enough Spanish to know when they're making fun of someone, and they were kinda making fun of me just now. I'm not incredibly annoyed at this because while they fuck around and not do any work at they're job, at least when I fuck around and not do work at my job, I can surf the internet. So there.

I beat Portal. That was fun. I need to get the rest of the Orange Box now. Maybe I'll download Steam this weekend.

And that's it! Moscow still hasn't gotten back to me, so I don't know what I'm going to do about that; I may just not do it all together. I mean, I'm sure it'll be a good experience, but if they're being this disrespectful NOW, I wonder how it's going to be when I get there, alone, inexperienced, and in Boston. I mean, come on. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do...

Grraaaagh...

Fri, 02 May 2008 16:42:54 GMT

Been keeping up with Urban Dead? You should be. It's a massively low tech zombie survival game. No graphics, no nuthin, just you out there fucking with the zombies, OR you as a zombie fucking with the humans. AND if you die, you can just be a zombie! AND if you don't want to be a zombie, someone will revive you to be a human (that just happened to me, so it made the day a lot more fun).

And since I've really had fun with it for the past few days, I've read some more strategy guides and such and finally have been like 'OH!' on some really obvious shit that I've been doing. For now, I've been running around and doing nothing, randomly hitting a zombie and then having them run after me and kill me, but since I've read stuff about the characters, when I get revived I'll know what I'm doing. But I think I'm going to keep my firefighter a zombie for a little wihle longer, just to see what's going on. Also, groups are fun; and I don't want to be overhasty signing up for some.. so we'll see how that goes. I've already signed up for The Randoms with one of my characters, but after he was revived by a guy from Tikhon General, makes me want to join that group, pay it forward with them, you know.

Anyway, I have three characters up; we'll see which ones strike my fancy in the long run, but I'll have a lot of fun with all of them, I'd imagine.

Buggery

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:04:43 GMT

Last night was bearable, mostly to the fact that I was able to play Chrono Trigger 90% of the time there on my emulator on the iPhone. I wan't able to get the cat food at the fair, but surprisingly enough, I was able to get the Crono Doll! And I haven't even been to the past yet. AND the controls are hard; they're not tactile like a normal controller, it's just on the screen. So all of that is pretty good. I don't think I'm going to be able to get the cat food though, so my cat will (unfortunately and probably) die later on.

My mom should have fed him anyway. Fuck that. I'll just go get Magus' purple cat later on when I get Magus in my party. Purple's a better color anyway, than stupid old brown. Brown the color of his soft fur, and his deep eyes... OH KITTY! I'M SORRY I DIDN'T GET YOU CAT FOOD, I HAD TO GO TO THE PAST TO RESCUE THIS GIRL I JUST MET BECAUSE SHE HAS SOME PENDANT THINGIE.

*sniff sniff* Okay, I'm better now.

Stuff to do on my Night Off:

Take a shower (necessary)
Do laundry (could be delayed)
Work on my Wireless problem (could be delayed)
Watch a movie (necessary)
Work on lines (necessary)
Run Monologue for Kaiser (necessary)

Rehearsal last night, however, DID waste my time. Oh well.

Been having troubles with Transmission ever since my Airport was installed. It seems to not affect anything else, just the download speeds. I've found a few troubleshooting pages and uploaded them to fantastick.tumblr.com, which is a really cool catch all of neat shit I've found online. I really am getting into the groove of tumblr, it's a neato scrap book. This is for my normal writing, and that's for all the other shit I want to check out and helping stuff. Pretty cool.

I've been asked to review theatre for Edge San Francisco, a web magazine. It's cool, but they've been very standoffish about getting information about what I need to do, except for the dates that are involved. I've told them - many times - that I'm in a show, so this is hard for me, and emphasized the fact that I applied for the job back in JANUARY and times change. They don't seem to know that and are a little weird about it. Not really what I want from a potential employer, even if it's in a field that I love. Of course, they are trying me out, just like I'm trying them out; if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

If it falls through, it falls through, and as of right now my first review is this sunday... right when I'm scheduled for a rehearsal. I might be able to get out of it, after all, I don't really need to be there; my scenes are fine. Whatever! After all, I've been there every single night, even nights I wasn't called, and they've just wasted my time. It's not so hard to ask for a little time of my own. It's really just weird experiences, you know? Seems surreal to me.

Okay, just got done with an all encompassing message. Groovy. Everything's settled. Now I just need to DO IT! Which means a lot more writing - good stuff. Back to the day...

Could be a general one... but...

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:06:59 GMT

Mr. Knoll,

Please accept my apology for this unfortunate situation with the Acting/Performing Option. I can tell you that, assuming we receive a viable applicant pool for the 2009-10 cohort (which we surely anticipate will be the case), your application will be positively considered. I strongly urge you to please consider reapplying during the next application cycle that will open around October 2008.

John Ramirez

pretty cool, huh!?

Weird Feelings. Included: Autos

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 15:45:01 GMT

I now have a car.

I honestly didn't think this would happen; and really, it DIDN'T happen. The car isn't mine, I'm just borrowing it for a month - it really isn't all that different from me borrowing my mom's car. There is a difference, however: I don't need to check in with anyone, or do anything other than keep it all nice and neat and running until the month is over. It's kind of a strange feeling. But that's not the only strangeness I've been feeling.

Two evenings ago I received a message from Jeffrey Trotter, from North Bay Shakespeare; I was just cast as Bottom in Midsummer. Cool news! And I'd be paid the max $500 bucks from the run. Later than evening I received another call, it was from the Moscow Art Summer Academy; I'm in, and I can go and train with weird russians for six weeks. Cool news! I pretty much HAVE to do that, since it's with Harvard and ART, but all the Good News made my mind all weirdy mcweirderson. I sent out an email to Academy, asking about scholarships and who actually referenced me; I want to make sure it's not some kind of weird scam.

In stupid news, no word from Hawaii or from LA. Seems to me, then, that I need to get off my ass and continue to apply for these other places - as late in the game it might be. I want to see if I can even get SOMETHING else, a third tier, or a double backup, so that I'm not totally screwed at the end of the summer. Besides, if the real schools come through, I can totally just say "oh, I found something better. Thanks."

The really cool thing is that is an amazing excuse when it comes to what I want to do with my summer. The very fact that I HATE turning things down, but have to as an actor, has always given me pause. But now that I'm in something associated with Harvard, and have been (I think...) accepted into an MFA program, that kinda trumps all the shows. "Bottom? Sorry, I have Harvard. Small part in a stupid show for a pittance of Equity points? MFA program over here." It's a neat feeling, sort of like having the upper hand, but not reallly. It's more like that... I don't know really how it makes me feel.

Joan said, last night, that the summer class thing, "Couldn't happen to a better man." That was very flattering. She also said, after a round of jokes by me ("see, watch out, Violet's going to be like me in 24 years"), "That would be perfectly fine by me." I've been getting a lot of praise lately. I am a hard worker, and a good dude, I think... so maybe that's paying off.

Anyway. I want to thank Joan again for the use of her car (and the potential buying of her car for $500 bucks!) It's a 98 Saturn, 167k miles on it. Not terrible, especially since she said, "Just drive it around and see how you like it, and decide later." When we're on the same wavelength, she really is a really cool person. It seems like I'm hitting a bout of luck. Wish some more for me, will you?

Alright People

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 17:43:24 GMT

Lets see if I can get this straight.

With this application ( http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=14103720714) I can do a shotgun blast of posts to all my blogs, including my newly made tumblr: fantastick.tumblr.com.

Unfortunately, it seems like I can only include actual HTML, which I don't feel like typing in at the moment (hence the actual copy pasted URLs, rather than included in the text). That's okay though, maybe through a beta things will be different.

We'll see how this works, and if it sucks, who cares! If it works, then people will actually know what's going on, especially my lazy friends who only read livejournal and then complain that I don't post; you know who you are. I actually post almost every day. You just don't know where anything is. I'm looking at you, Nick.

Anyway, I'm not too super excited about this, but it may work out really well.

Kisses!
ben

Writer's Block: Sick Day

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 15:04:41 GMT

What is your favorite thing about being sick?

View 500 Answers

Pshaw! Like I've been sick in the past 6 months. Fools! That was all a lie! I just wanted to eat ice cream!

Has It Really Been This Long?

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:47:31 GMT

Gosh, it seems like only yesterday when we were flirting. Sure, it started from a tragedy, but it brought us together so fiercely that I couldn't deny the love I had for you. Man, 5 years is a long time. How the time flies! Just yesterday it seems like we were starting on a high note, and we were going after the man who brought us together in Afghanistan. He's still hiding somewhere out there, that old kook! But since then, our priorities changed, and we've evolved as a couple. We were a great team in the beginning, War on Terror; we had such fire and passion in our couplings, and even I, who is really against violence in all forms, was in support of your crazy antics of killing, maiming, and ruining people's lives. I mean, we just loved each other so much. It's been a long road for sure.

Wow, I remember the first time we met. I was sitting in my music theory class in high school. I remember it was the start of my Senior Year. Man, was I so over high school; so ready to be in college, ready to start the world. Of course, back then I didn't know your name was War on Terror, it was just 9/11 - a beautiful name! - but even then I didn't really know your name, it was shock that bought us together and made us who we are today. But can you believe it was almost 2 years before we actually started our relationship, WoT? Wow! We could have been so close so early on, so many missed opportunities. But we made it in the end, and we fought for each other and to keep our relationship alive, even when it was going places we never thought was possible! Who would have thought this crazy ride we were on would have brought us all the way to Iraq! I mean, I didn't even know you knew anyone in Iraq! Oh, you didn't? Okay, well that's cool anyway, Iraq's a nice place. It isn't now? Well, I haven't really been paying attention these last few years; graduating, applying for grad schools, etc.

You know, maybe that's why we've been a little rocky these past few years. I know some people don't like our relationship, and I gotta tell you the trugh, I haven't been fully commited to believing whatever the fuck spews out of your dad's mouth. I need to remember though, that he's really the honest, truthful man in this situation. And plus he's the president! So it's a win/win situation! What a great guy. So what if he was wrong and "hurt" the constitution a bit. It's not so bad; we're certainly safer now. Hell, before you two came along I didn't even know about Afghanistan or Iraq or Terror! Now I'm so fucking afraid I have to physically will my body not to shit my pants every day; that's how important you guys are to me. I am so glad to have you protecting me and my freedom. Fuck Terror. That's what I say.

Here's to 5 more years!

Stinky

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 16:20:09 GMT

Went and had a delicious dinner at The Stinking Rose. It was quite yums, and now that I'm thinking about it, I think I left my leftovers in Monica's car, so therefore we no longer have good leftovers. I think I do that every single time.

(As I was typing this the sun just rose over the hills and made the room very warm and cozy. It also made me actually look at all the clothes piled on the bed. I'm not quite sure how that happens; I used to fit all the clothes in the closet, now they don't seem to live in there anymore, they just sort of spill out over everywhere.)

Played Boggle last night. I hate Boggle.

I also watched the Polar Express last night. I forgot how much I enjoyed that movie. It also made me want to get off my ass and go see Beowulf. Ah, what a privledged life we lead that going to see something that I know I'd enjoy is "getting off my ass." I guess that's what comes with selling your soul to a company, you can be lazy and still have the means to complain about doing something that you'd know you'd enjoy.

I have two auditions today, one for Midsummer Night's Dream, and the other for season auditions for PCPA, whatever that stands for. Oh, I guess it stands for this.

And just because I don't want to get up and work out, here's a picture of myself:

And a movie of stuff for Crazy, Just Like Me:

Shit I would mildly like to have because I have no wants this holiday season (well, okay, a few):

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 18:23:14 GMT

iPhone or other multimedia phone: www.apple.com and elsewheres… verizon has a good package too, but iPhone is on the top of my list. www.wired.com has good reviews of phones.

The complete Bone collection: http://www.amazon.com/Bone-One-Jeff-Smith/dp/188896314X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1196358685&sr=8-1

Johnathan Strange & Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke (and/or other novels by her, she’s good): http://www.amazon.com/Jonathan-Strange-Mr-Norrell-Novel/dp/B000ENWIJO/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1196358805&sr=1-1

Any of the UK (but would gladly accept US editions, the bigger paperback versions) editions of Neil Gaiman’s work, the first 7 are the ones with the covers I enjoy: http://amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_/203-7359482-1146338?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Neil+Gaiman

An XBox360 with Mass Effect (it’s a game) and Rock Band (that’s a game too).

A class or two bought at Voicetrax: http://www.voiceover-training.com/

A subscription to Wired.

A subscription to New Scientist.

A good (photo?) printer. To print out my headshots.

A new job in the field that I’m interested in.

A Grad School away from Marin. (This is really the only thing I truly want.)

Music Lessons – singing and instrumental (accordion, guitar, ukulele, along those lines).

To be in a good play that is produced professionally.

All said, not quite a humble list, but I’m not greedy for these things, they’re just fun stuff that would definitely be a fun addition to my life. Especially the classes!

What do you want for the holidays?

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 18:32:44 GMT

"Wow, Ben, you're going tropical today!"

"Thanks."

"It sure is wild!"

"Yep."

"What's the occasion?"

"Just figured I'd be festive for summer and the 4th of July."

"Well, then it should be red, white and blue."

"I'm not patriotic."

Yes, I am wearing my pineapple semi-Hawaiian shirt today. Stop the presses! People act like they've never seen a mildly flashy shirt before. I guess it's pretty much anything to break up the tedium of the office, and I guess in their soul sucking way, they need anything that distracts them from their 80 hour workweeks. I don't like to rub it in that at 5:30, I leave. Every day.

They live to work. I work to live. I wish I could be an idealist and say that one day I'll find a job that I truly enjoy, and that I will yearn to get up in the mornings and go into something that I care about. Until then, I stay cynical.

After all, it's gotten me this far.

...yeah, I gotta start working on that.

I love my spam email.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 14:53:43 GMT

The subject: What Happened Last Night:

"i couldn't, it was so embarrassing¡¡shot clear over the head of the scarecrow and escaped through an archway -- mac watched her out of the corner of his eyes as he said, in a musing tone, seemed searching along the beach for something, and not finding what she sought,
"i couldn't, it was so embarrassing "i couldn't, it was so embarrassing give her up. you only go halves," said laurie consolingly. rose sat down, but¡¡made no answer for a moment, seeming to forget the small success in the greater
made no answer for a moment, seeming to forget the small success in the greater¡¡"i bat doesn't care, and father laughs when i talk about it." we know are married."
i'm sure i can't. how much has happened since i said that! it seems a year ago," for princess ozma, and find the girl afterward," said the scarecrow." and while she was one of those happily created beings who please without effort, make "too¡¡now of admittance, she boldly rang at the door which excluded so many, and being
with all this history. who is the scarecrow?" ¡¡fan's say she 'll know you, though i 'm not there, because i 've described you to "kind, but firm, jessie." aunt clara was sadly distressed about "what people
novels and goes to the theatre when the opera bouffe is here,' said he will enjoy his heritage in peace." and suddenly perceiving that the sun was down. as plain and white and still as a nun's cell, she whisked on a working-apron¡¡"he's not gone i guess you'll find him in the parlor," said steve,
her lecture. she had not decided how to punish nan, but one of these¡¡f: yes, she a fellow in," he said in a low tone, and when he stood in the hall joined them, saying, "here are some peanuts, tom; do enjoy yourself
wise rule, the peaceful state of his kingdom, and the brood of all-accomplished something in the flushed, wet returned the lion, "and that is to go to the land of the winkies, mean?"¡¡hastened to say, with her most motherly smile:¡¡although you may be the last to pass the finishing-line. because you up the embers of his lost love, but they refused to burst into a blaze.
you can be idle and comfort yourselves by being idle and trying to he sat looking about the dainty room she answered, and brought a towel at once. then the tin woodman wept me to resist what i know is hurtful, and please don't laugh me out¡¡
i made a 'pome' yesterday, when i was helping hannah trouble as the door banged below, and he pressed his thin hands tightly this ever-to-be-remembered day. best wishes! and may the new year bloom recess. the conversations were miles beyond jo's comprehension, but she¡¡mac by both hands in a way that caused charlie to wish "the old chap" had

Krak-how

Sat, 26 May 2007 21:14:00 GMT

What I should be doing right now:

Working on lines.

Reviewing lines and dance for the show.

Working on guitar.

What I am doing:

Watching Deadwood and contemplating playing some video games afterwards.

I was supposed to go and get some guitar lesssons with Drew today, but Tim took the car for like an extra hour than he said he would. So now I have to put off working on the guitar for an extra week or so, a week that I could be playing, just so he could browse some fucking library books at a place that he could walked to. So self absorbed. This is just another thing on top of a steaming pile of shit that continues to rise. I honestly don't think I'd like him if we just met and were not in the context of him being my stepdad. I really don't know why mom likes him at all.

Whatever. I hide in my room and he plays music loudly. It's the little things that really piss me off. AGH.

I'll just memorize lines when this episode is over.

Fucking hell.

Wed, 23 May 2007 22:22:24 GMT

Wellity. Things have been fine with Assassins. It's amazing how fast things smoothed over, they were simply thankful that I was there, and ready to jump in. Music's tough, but I'm getting it, and I just found out last night that the other person in my song knows the harmony better than I do, so I may get to sneak out of singing some pretty complex shit. It's also amazing about how quickly I have jumped on my high horse at rehearsals.

Honestly, I thought I would be far far behind the rest of the group when it comes to staging, but it turns out that they are just now blocking the scenes. Ten days into rehearsals, and they've just started blocking. Really tough shit too. It makes me angry for the most part, because I would be fine with that if we just stayed on task, but the director goes on tangents that eat up staging and blocking time. I would estimate that half the rehearsal last night was wasted on anicdotes. Only slightly amusing ones at that. I'm going to try tonight to push us in a good direction though, maybe we can even get out in an hour and a half, my scene isn't that long after all.

--

HAIR is amazing. I want all of my friends to see it. I wish I could magically transport you all to come and sit in the front row. It's so much fun, even though some of the dressers have their thumbs up their asses and our costumes fall off on stage. At least mine do. Maybe that's what it was built for...maybe there's a conspiracy going around...one that wants to see my pants falling off.

I have an audition tonight for some show that I've never heard of, but the reading is across the hall from my rehearsal. So what the fuck, you know? All I gotta do is take two steps, I'm there! Booya.

Their Reply

Sat, 19 May 2007 14:39:38 GMT

ben - I appreciate your taking responsibility. yes, it will be good
for you to apologize to others sun. but they are a forgiving bunch,
I am sure. we will need to reschedule "unworthy". are u able to be
there at 5 coming down the mountain? if u can make it any earlier I
will striking our current show.

thx, b

This is exactly why I'm dubious about these people. Is the world going to fast for them to type in the full three letters? Or the full six? Wouldn't you want to type in something that looks good for someone you're essentially hiring?

I'm still in the wrong here, but this shit is what I've been going through, this combined with some emails with fine grammar, and on the phone, he sounds like a pleasant fellow. My theory is that he's typing from his phone...but still, if you're talking to a potential employee, why would you make yourself sound like an idiot?

Final dress for HAIR. Wish me luck.

Sat, 19 May 2007 06:08:05 GMT

I think I totally botched it with Assassins. I read the schedule wrong, and after all this shit of scheduling... of course it was the completely wrong thing to do. I missed rehearsal tonight. My first rehearsal. The one that was completely about staging my scenes. I've never done that before ever. With anything. Everybody fucks up...but goddamn if this was a super inopportune time with them. Oh well, at least it's not like they've been super good to me... I'm weary of them anyway.

Still a dicky thing to do. I feel like shit.

--

In the meantime, what I did tonight was see a friend of mine's brand new musical that he wrote. It was AMAZING! So, at least I did something fun with friends, rather than people who already hated me to begin with.

Tee hee.

I should feel worse, but I don't!

I'm such an asshole.

So yeah.

Fri, 18 May 2007 23:20:02 GMT

Dear Ben,

Thank you so much for coming to auditions and call backs. Unfortunately, we felt this particular show wasn't the perfect match. We really enjoyed your auditions however and would love to keep you in mind for future shows.

We will be producing and casting 1-2 more shows this year - We'd love to call on you to come back and audition for us.

Warmly,

Blah blah.

It is a nice email on the surface. But the perfect match shit? Wow, you found people that are perfect? A perfect fit for a role? Wow! That's amazing! I thought no one was perfect, but apparently someone is, and you cast them! Woooo!

I sure hope they call me in to audition for midsummer...just for the experience though. I figure an imperfect being like myself who couldn't get cast as any character in a funny, light musical wouldn't have a chance in something as great as shakespeare. I'm just glad that my non friend's natural bad acting is perfect for that role that they offered her.

I completely understand. I really can do only one thing, and if that doesn't fit exactly to what they want, I can totally get behind the fact that there's no way for me to change a character at all into something else. That's what acting's about, being totally immovable in characterization so that when you do get a part, it's perfect, but when you don't, it's because you obviously can't do it.

My response sounds a little more mean here than it actually is. Venting's what a journal's about, right? Truthfully, I am over it, and have already planned 2 more auditions. This one just struck a nerve, obviously. And obviously, they don't know what they're doing.

Assassins gave me the guitar chords they want me to play for the show, and it's an epic endeavour. I'm going to tell them that without someone physically placing my fingers on the strings, I won't be able to do it. I told them from the beginning that my guitar skills were very basic...just like I told them my conflicts, and that worked out fine!

I'm going to see a friend's musical review of his show tonight. It's a show that he wants me to audition for in July. Things are looking up.

HAIR opens this weekend. I'm so fucking excited. I dance like a madman! I'm an excellent dancer.

Guess what?

Thu, 17 May 2007 18:12:47 GMT

They're fucking assholes.

I should be more used to this by now, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'll be over it soon. I think there's a part of me that revels in feeling shitty, and I want to appease that. After all, soon I won't have any of this happening to me, and then what will that part do?

Dickweeds.

epic visions

Wed, 16 May 2007 20:32:24 GMT

I was in the mood for a change, so I changed my livejournal layout to something that was done completely for me by premade_ljs. A bit different than what I used to have, so that's fun. It's funny though, a change in my life really consists of changing my online journal. I don't think I care enough to really make humongous changes.

It's odd how quickly I get over things. I've not always been that way, and of course some things are gone faster than others. Take this callback. I was stressing and shit, it certainly still is on my mind, but I really just don't care any more. It's my natural defense system. My want for a part seems to naturally evolve into curiosity and eventually lovely, uncaring disinterest. A pleasant surprise if I do get a role, and a whatever if I don't. Of course, I'll still call them dickweeds. That's a funny word.

Limbo is always a little shitty, since I'm in the curiosity phase of my coping. Needless to say, I almost have this process perfected by now.

--

I'm reliving the glory of Psychonauts. I think that is probably the best third person adventure game ever. It's like Zelda but with so much more dynamics, and two years after it's come out, the graphics are still really fun, because they never try to be real. Plus the voice acting is top notch. Right now I'm in my favorite level, a theatre world where the overall stage is really small, but you change the set to go to various places in the world.

HAIR starts Sunday, we're having work rehearsals tonight and tomorrow. And by "work," it really is just running the acts and changing perfectly good business just because the director is bored. Ain't it always the truth? Tonight's the second act, which is a lot more dance for me, since I can't just coast in the back row like I usually do.

I'm going to try and get some pictures of my hippie costume, it's far out. A blonde wig and everything.

no matter how small

Tue, 15 May 2007 17:30:10 GMT

Being said and done with this callback, I think I did a really fucking awesome job. Yet, 14 hours later, I'm still analyzing every single thing that happened last night. I even emailed an acquaintance of mine who was there to ask what they did after I left. I then realized why I don't talk to her anymore, she never really knows how to edit herself. Instead of telling me what they did do (i.e. read from the script, sing more songs, dance), so I could overanalyze that, she told me how great everyone was, and who her picks for the characters were, which instead just made me feel bad.

Now, I would have liked that better if I was her pick, but....

There's nothing at all I can do about it, aside from sending a nice email and maybe a card this afternoon. And since I'm stuck in limbo, what I do is think and think and think about it. What really gets me is that I was better than the other people auditioning for the roles. Like, so much better. It would really be between me, who was the better actor, and this other guy, who is simply fatter and therefore of course will be a better choice, because he looks fat! I mean, Horton's an elephant, and therefore the person playing the part should be enormous! I mean, it just makes sense! Always cast that way. Never take into account hard work, friendliness, and talent. Nope, just how they look.

The one thing I have against me though is that I am a little young for the role. Anyway, through my obsessiveness, I've twisted everything into my favor:

1) They let me go early last night, not having me read anything. My Reaction: I did a really good reading at my audition, so they really didn't need to see any more.

2) They didn't have me sing more either. Well, I also sang really well at my audition and at the first part of callbacks.

3) No dancing either. They know I'm in HAIR, and that's a big dance show. Also, I danced a bit at the audition with my song.

All in all, I think it really boils down to the fact that they're probably not dumbasses, and they legitimately saw enough of what I could do, and they obviously liked me, otherwise I wouldn't have been called back. I did a great job, and it's out of my hands.

But of course if they don't cast me, they're dumb fuckheads who don't know what they're missing. And they're assholes.

Dickweeds.

Tue, 15 May 2007 03:34:10 GMT

Welp, I fucking rocked, but they had me sing and then go. So why didn't they have me dance? Who knows. Nothing I can do about it now but send a nice email.